Nate and Camille's Wedding

The Invisible Mother

So i came across this poem when a friend read it at a church activity.  I had been struggling at the time she read it, and it spoke the words of my heart! i can't tell you how many more times it has come to my mind over the past few months since i first heard it.  it's 2:35 a.m. and i just had a good vent in my journal.  I feel like i should post this for anyone who has ever felt this way.  Night.

The Invisible Mother

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’

Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?? 

Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’

Some days I’m a crystal ball; ‘Where’s my other sock? Where’s my phone?, What’s for dinner?’

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature -but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, and she’s gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: ‘With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’

In the days ahead I would read – no, devour – the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. 

A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’ 

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was Almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. 

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he’d say, ‘You’re gonna love it there…’ 

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers. 

Christmas came early :)

So since we're going to UT for Christmas, brad and i decided there was a particular gift we didn't feel like lugging with us, soooooo we decided to give the kids an early Christmas present.  It was a 3 in 1 sports package (brad's idea) that included a golfing, baseball, and basketball set.  I'll admit, when he first brought it home i was like "where in the heck are we going to store that?!" But now i could (and did) kiss the man.  It has been a hit with all the kids.  I'm hoping it will help for the long winter that lays ahead.  While brad and i were putting the sets together the kids wanted to be involved and help and so Emma offered us the advice of looking at the "destructions" (meaning instructions) : )

  Here's some fun the kids and i had while Eli (and daddy ; ) napped.

I wish i'd taken some video of the baseball hitting.  Our friends got home while we were out playing and on our little friend Ethan's first swing (with the help of his mom) the ball hit Jude square in the chest, luckily it didn't hurt him and we were all bent over giggling.  We finished the day off with a family swim at the local aquatic center.  Eli was CRAZY in the pool, wish i had video to show for it :(  Needless to say, it was a fun filled family day : )

Of course Jude had to take the golfing to the top of the hill : )

Attacking of the paparazzi brittany spears style!

beating the muddy hill

Great Grandma Ashley's blood runs thick with this one

I'm a lion!

who needs snow?

Especially when you have a brother who LOVES to push

Can i just say i LOVE these next two pictures? This is Emma with our new like-family friend Brooklyn.

Can you see the love?!

Also on a side note, i have always started reading to our kids at infancy.  It's a favorite part of our daily routine.  Lately we've been encouraging emma to try sounding out the words.  Often she'll fight us cause she just wants us to read to her, but the other day i bribed her with a cookie (i'm not ashamed!) to try reading 2 books to me.  Mind you these were 2 new books from the library that we hadn't read before.  I was blown away at how she plowed through them!  Emma you never cease to amaze me with how bright you are! We're so proud of you baby girl! xo

Time out for mommy

Go figure that i'm finally getting around to writing up this post while i've locked myself away in my room for a mommy time out.  it's one of those moments where i've reached my limit of being sassed to, ignored relentlessly, or having things thrown at me in jest/anger (all of the above includes our little E).  it's funny cause i know people look at this blog because of the comments, but i never really think that anyone is reading/looking at my occasional rants.  Today i went to emma's school with jude and eli after naps.  We had a good time hanging out with emma's class for the last hour of school, but when it came time to leave my kids just melted into whining, crying messes.  Thankfully we were the very last to leave school so i didn't have to endure the stares of the women with the 3 loud crazy children.  We were also taking home one of emma's friends from school and she was just walking along as content and happy as can be.  Once we got into the car i looked back at B (emma's friend) and said, "Gee B, what's wrong with the Newbold's today? We're a mess!" at that point Emma lost it even more and dramatically wailed, "I'm sooooo sorry for whining, i'm sooooo sorry for being such a terrible chiiiiild!"  Well that just sent a knife through my heart.  I was horrified that such a horrible idea would even enter into her mind. I quietly and gently told Emma to look at me and reassured her that i was very proud of her and grateful that she was mine.

  It's funny how terrifying parenting can be.  You are sooo scared to get everything right, to not screw up your kids, to not pass down your own insecurities to these sweet innocent spirits.  But at least we try, right?  Ugh it's so hard to be a parent and be so, human!

  So, i guess to calm myself down i'll write a few things about those little monkey's who i adore and who have made me a better person.

  Emma, Emma, Emma.  You were meant to be a first born.  Large and in charge.  It's crazy when i stop to look at you and really see you and realize how you are not a baby anymore.  I'm pretty sure if i blink the next thing i know you'll be a young woman.   You try so hard to do what's right and are so hard on yourself when you've made a mistake.  You are an amazing artist and have a brilliant mind.  You are fearless in so many aspects and i admire you for your incredible strength.  (just yesterday after dance class, her teacher came up to me saying emma had some concerns about the costume for the recital.  The teacher said it had something to do with wearing a shirt with it.  I chuckled and explained that emma was worried about wearing the costume because it was spaghetti strap and how we've taught her what it means to dress modestly.  She was concerned that she would be allowed to wear a shirt under or over the costume to make it modest.  The teacher happens to be of our faith and so i didn't have to really explain too much to her to have her understand, but i was so proud of emma for standing up for something she believes like that.  It was a no brainer for her.) 

  Jude.  You are my sweet, tender hearted, mischievous little man.  You have energy to no end and always are in the mood to laugh and make others laugh.  Sometimes you go too far, but you are learning and trying.  you want so badly to be a big boy and play with the big kids.  You want to be independent and do everything on your own and i'm often surprised with how much you can do all on your own.  You are my cuddle bug and can easily melt my heart with the drop of a tear.  You are a fearless acrobat, which makes me anxious to see what you do the older you get.

  Eli.  You are our "Growly Bear."  You may be little but you are one tough tot that i don't want to mess with.  You have attitude and an opinion and you don't let your size slow you down.  You too have an inner strength that astounds me like your sister.  You also love to make people laugh and love messing around with jude to do just that.  

  For all the complaining i do about my kids, i wouldn't trade them for anything.  I can't even picture myself doing anything other than being a full time stay-with-the-kids mom.  They've taught me strength, confidence, love, love, love and how to forgive and forget.  What blessings they are and my cup runneth over. 

  Well that was therapeutic.